War, Porn and Bacon: Archive

War, Porn and Bacon

February 2010

1 post

Right Wing Glossary

American People, The: Citizens who believe in the same things as you. You and those who agree with you will be referred to as “The American People,” regardless of your actual percentage of the population. Citizens who do not believe in the same things will never be referred to as “The American People”, even if they vastly outnumber you. “The American People have...

January 2010

2 posts

Guns and Butter, Troops and Negroes

James “Encyclopedia Brown” O’Keefe was arrested today trying to bug the New Orleans offices of Louisiana Senator Mary Landreiu. He was probably after his latest half assed masterpiece of uh…really nothing. You probably have no idea who James O’Keefe is, which means that you are a balanced individual with things to do during the day and a family to take care of at night. But if you are...

Kill 'em All and Let The Holy Spirit Sort 'em Out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about religion lately. I understand why religion exists. People need a lot of emotional support, and support from regular people just won’t cut it at times. People need comfort, they need to feel loved, they need to feel that there is some sort of meaning to it all, and they absolutely need to believe that there is something waiting for them after they die. Nobody likes...

December 2009

1 post

DC Famous vs. YouTube Famous

A lot of folks have this weird idea about Washington, D.C. They think our government is this cabal of secretive goblins who operate in the shadows. That isn’t the case. When Sean Hannity says that he “discovered something in the budget,” a surprising number of people think it means that he broke into Fort Knox to get the information, or met with a shadowy agent in a parking garage. But what Sean...

November 2009

1 post

When in Tokyo...

I don’t believe that I’m even talking about this. Seriously. I don’t believe that all the assholes with radio shows and all of their paranoid mouth-breathing followers have turned something as simple as foreign protocol into a symbol of Obama’s masculinity. Jesus Christ on a bike, Cleetus, would you rather that he walked in with a cowboy hat on and grabbed his testicles? Maybe if he marched in...

October 2009

2 posts

Governor Footloose

About five years ago, I tried to get into law school. I failed. I don’t think I failed miserably. I got a score on the LSAT’s that was at the very top of the very middle. I got Dean’s List grades every semester except for one during college. I even spent six months helping out an accountant who volunteered his free time tracking down session musicians who were getting screwed out of their...

An Open Letter to the English Premier League

(This is something I wrote for another blog. If you have any friends in England, please forward it on.) Dear Lads (or Blokes, or Geezers, or Yobs, or Whatever the Hell), I would like to state unequivocally that like most of my countrymen, I know fuck all about your version of football. As you can probably tell by our performances in the World Cup, your national game just never caught on here. ...

September 2009

2 posts

Yeah, But Will it Play in the Asylum?

Have you ever seen those guys that hand out pamphlets outside the DMV? Maybe the guy on the street corner with “THE END IS NIGH” sandwich board? Maybe the guy that even knocks on your door because he has some urgent information about…whatever? Have you ever found yourself in a bar and realize that you accidentally got into a conversation with the absolute wrong person? Like, all of a sudden the...

Sorry. Getting so I am not hacking up my lungs has been quite important. Anyway, I’ll have something up soon. K? K.

Fornicators of Virginia, Unite!

As a mostly lifelong resident of Virginia, I can’t tell you the number of times I have had to defend my own state. I defend it to people who live in D.C. (“The suburbs are so boring,” says the guy who moved to the District eighteen months ago from Moose Testicles, Minnesota.) I defend it to people who live further down south. (“Virginia ain’t the south,” says a guy from the Carolinas.) I defend it...

August 2009

8 posts

Attack of the Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

I’m of the opinion that if you bring a gun to a political meeting, you aren’t “exercising your rights.” You are being a complete flaming red asshole. You are intimidating the opposition with the implied threat of violence. And what in the hell are these gun guys even doing there? The issue isn’t even about guns. Guns aren’t anywhere in the mix here. This is a debate about our fundamental right as...

It Stops Being Funny When it Starts Being Timothy

I don’t really think this is funny anymore. I did at first. Who wouldn’t? I mean, are you serious? “WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE????” “It’s right here.” “WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE????” “Seriously, it’s right here. See? Right from the state of Hawaii.” “WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE????” “Uhhh…it’s right HERE. State seal? Official document?” “WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE????” There is no sort...

July 2009

5 posts

If A Man Can't Declare Medical Bankruptcy, This...

I hate to break this to you, folks, but your health insurance is already “socialist.” Consider two employees who both participate in the company health plan, which means that both of them have a certain amount of money taken out of their paychecks every month. Employee A goes running four nights a week, tries to keep his diet organic, doesn’t smoke and limits his drinking to an occasional glass of...

The Book of Republican (also, The Book of C...

Attend thee, brethren, and hear the tale of the many blessed miracles of Jesus of Nazareth, Son of Almighty God. Jesus Heals the Sick It happened, while he was in one of the cities, behold, there was a man full of leprosy. “To where do you travel?” asketh the Lord. “I travel to the Roman Healer, who will cleanse my sickness for five sheckels.” “Dost thou wish to be put on a waiting list?” replied...

Values and Other Assorted Love Songs

I like it when I’m right. About three weeks ago I predicted that it wouldn’t be long before another “values Republican” got nabbed for cheating on his wife. This time it was a Mississippi congressman with the awesome name of Chip Pickering. He retired back in January after serving six terms in the House, and yeah, he also lived in that “Christian Fellowship Home” over on C Street, SE, along with...

The World According to Dad

Two years and one day ago, my father died. He died on July 11, 2007, which was four days removed from what some folks were calling “the luckiest day in the universe.” The seventh day of the seventh month of the seventh year of the millennium, you see. I figure if you apply the Vegas rules to that sort of numerology, eleven is still a pretty lucky number, but Vegas rules apparently didn’t apply to...

The Founding Fathers on the Cosmic Space Daddy

There is a ton of blather that comes out of the right wing of our country, and much of it drives me nuts, but nothing drives me crazier than hearing a Congressman from a district in the ass end of nowhere or some dick with a column in The Washington Times claim that “America is a Christian nation.” They always point to that one line in the Declaration of Independence where Thomas Jefferson...

June 2009

5 posts

Praise the Lord and Pass the KY

I really don’t care about what other people do with their genitals. I can’t think of anything less interesting. This is why I don’t read any of the glossy magazines or celebrity blogs. I don’t care if celebrity A and celebrity B are fighting like cats and dogs or screwing like weasels. For that matter, I don’t care about the Octomom, or Jon and Kate, or any of the meat grinder freak shows that...

About six years ago, I got sick. I know that doesn’t seem like a profound statement. Everybody gets sick eventually. But the difference is that I got REALLY sick. At that point in my life I was playing music full time, which meant that I was starving. In order to pay the bills I started substitute teaching. I was parachuted on a daily basis into a pit of squealing, screaming, self-centered and...

It's Not the Guns. It's YOU.

The government of the United States of America has all the guns it needs. I should know. My old man worked in the Pentagon. For every one office in that enormous building dedicated to actively defending our country, there are two offices dedicated to contract procurement and weapons development. Lockheed Martin is in a penis measuring contest with Boeing over who gets to develop the next...

FACE Has No Eyes or Ears at DOJ

Just for fun, I went over to the DOJ website and typed in “Abortion” on their search engine. I wanted to see what they had been doing about these folks who glue the doors shut, set clinics on fire, menace anyone who tries to set foot in a clinic, send death threats, and, occasionally, shoot people dead. The reason I went to the Department of Justice website was because threatening doctors,...

An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of etc....

Back in the day, my old man ran a consulting business out in Falls Church, Virginia. When he first rented the space he couldn’t understand why the rent was so cheap until a bomb threat was called in about three months into his lease. It turned out that there was a clinic that provided abortions in the same building. The threat turned out to be bogus, fortunately. And that was about as heavy as it...

May 2009

3 posts

HOMOSEXUAL ANARCHY!

So they passed the hate crime legislation in the House, and the Senate should be voting on their companion bill any day now. Considering all the talk of filibustering by the folks over on the right, it’s a safe bet that it will pass. If the Republicans thought they could beat it they would just let it out on the floor for a vote. I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. A guy named Matthew Staver...

April 2009

1 post

Proof That There are No Young People in the...

So today was tax day, and MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of…oh…uh…wait…ok, thousands of…uh…wait a second….ok, sorry, hundreds…can we say hundreds? Were there at least hundreds? There were? In some places? Ok, good. So, in some places in America, hundreds of angry conservatives got together to hold what they were calling “Tea Parties,” in which these folks would express their disproval of our oppressive...

March 2009

9 posts

Fun With Google Earth

(For the record, folks, I wholeheartedly approve of all of this.) PRANKSTERS drew a willy on the roof of a top school that was so large it could be spotted from SPACE. But it went unnoticed until it was seen on Google Earth. A group of ex-pupils was last night blamed for the rude shape snapped by satellite. A Phoenix homeowner said he didn’t find out about a giant penis painted on the...

Sizzling Pompeii Action, Volume 26

Today I finally got it together to head down to the National Gallery to see the Pompeii exhibit. It was beautiful, and it made me half regret my limited stay in the dump that was Naples, because I didn’t have enough time to go see the real deal. A lot of people don’t know this, but the discovery of Pompeii, buried in ash and preserved like a fly in amber, was actually the start of what we modern...

I have to admit to a weakness for political cartoons. I think it takes a real talent to perfectly encapsulate the absurdities of a situation in a box smaller than an index card. Sometimes drawing talent isn’t nearly as important as simply being clever. For instance, Tom Toles of the Washington Post isn’t exactly what you would call a first rate artist, but his ideas are usually pretty fresh and...

Talking Like Mr. Rogers is the LEAST of Your...

Is there anyone who isn’t a snake handling nutcase in the GOP? I’m not talking about your average small government, less taxes Republican voter. I understand what those guys are on about, even if I don’t agree with them. I’m talking about the representatives, senators and governors. The reason I’m asking is because it turns out that Bobby Jindal, governor of Louisiana and erstwhile rising star in...

Cavemen Take a Bus to the Smithsonian

There was a great article in the Post today about a group from my favorite college, Liberty University, which came up to the Smithsonian to tell those blaspheming amateurs a thing or two about REAL science. The class is called “Advanced Creation Studies,” and according to the article, it’s a 300 level course. The professor of this class has a real problem with the Smithsonian’s methodology,...

Real Irony vs. Hipster Irony

Examples of Irony On March 30th, 1981, a disturbed man named John Hinckley, Jr. fired six shots from a .22 caliber revolver in the general direction of President Ronald Reagan. Out of the six shots that were fired, the only one that hit the President was a shot that ricocheted off the bullet proof glass of the limousine. So, IRONICALLY, the glass that was meant to save Reagan’s life actually...

Take your "Bottle Service" and jam it....

I’m a little behind the curve here, but I am just now reading an article on Gawker about, surprise surprise, how D.C. sucks compared to New York. The author runs down pretty much every shallow, pointless and hipster oriented reason to not like this place. The music sucks, the people are dorks, etc. etc. The only one he left out, miraculously, was the tired old lament about how there just aren’t...

A little more on the outrage pimps.

There have been a few folks who have taken an exception to my worries about right wing radio. Please be assured that these exceptions were based on reasons that were altruistic. In other words, I didn’t get any arguments that started with “But…but….these guys are the only people telling it like it is!” I’m pleased to report that I don’t know anyone that stupid. Instead I got a few arguments that...

Who Will Lead The Sanctimonious, Science-Hating...

James Dobson recently retired as the head of Focus on the Family, and while that sort of news makes many of my friends happy, all it does is make me nervous. Just in case you don’t know, “Family” doesn’t actually mean “Family.” I mean, I have a family, and so do all of my friends, and none of them are even remotely interested in what Focus on the Family have to offer. That’s because in the case of...

February 2009

8 posts

Where you been, Keith?

If you follow this link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3036677/#29418593 you will see Keith Olbermann finally noticing that the Sean Hannity message board is a bastion of mildly frightening wingnuttery. Nothing against Keith, I think he’s great, but he got to this party a little late. There are at least four to five calls for violent revolution a week on that board, and this has been going...

In America, we think of made for TV movies as pretty much the bottom of the barrel. It’s Tony Danza as a homeless guy who learns the meaning of Thanksgiving. It’s Valerie Bertinelli playing a single mom who just can’t meet Mr. Right. It’s bullshit. You don’t really get anything out of it. For awhile, England had a television director by the name of Alan Clarke, who was making made for TV stuff...

Three Utterly Meaningless and Transparent...

“Look at the facts.” This gets said ad nauseum, especially in D.C. Usually some operative hack from one think tank or another says this to make a point. Like, someone from the Liberty Counsel will say “Look at the facts! Children who grow up in families with same sex parents are likely to be traumatized.” Or someone from the coal lobby will say “Look at the facts! There is no significant proof...

Naples is the only city that I’ve been to on this whole tour that made me feel like I was the new kid in the cafeteria, carrying my tray and looking around for a place to sit. It’s like as Americans, we just got everything wrong. We were wearing sneakers and casual clothes while all the locals were dressed to what they perceived to be the nines. We were walking around in the city center and the...

We just got back from a show at a NATO air base, and the Airwoman who drove us back asked me if we were playing for the military for the whole tour or if we were going to be playing for “Real People.” I have had a lot of unfortunate preconceptions torpedoed while I have been on this tour, and I am grateful for that. The vibe on these bases is just….different. That vague word...

You have to wonder why the United States isn’t making a big production out of being best buds with Turkey. This is a country that is about 90% muslim, but I might as well be in Bethesda, Maryland. There is a very real and profound seperation between church and state here. Islam is “something” instead of “everything.” My hotel is about a block away from Ataturk Square,...

More on Yurp and Egypt

In Belgium and Germany, you can pretty much puzzle your way through the street signs. Like, if you give it a minute, you can figure out that “GETINNUNDERUNDGETINONENUNDRIDENTRAM” means “subway.” But in Egypt, you can’t figure any of that out. Good luck. The cops in Cairo take tourist dollars pretty seriously. So much so that there is a branch of the police force...

January 2009

14 posts

Some random thoughts about Yurp so far

How is it that Americans are the fat asses when the English Breakfast is two sausages, a rasher of bacon, beans on toast and a big ass mushroom? Cambridge University is celebrating it’s 800 year anniversary. Nothing in America is 800 years old. The Queens College church is pretty amazing. There isnt one inch of that place that isn’t somebodys masterpiece. At Cambridge, there are...

I am heading out the door to go on a three and a half week tour of Europe and Egypt. We will be playing on military bases and at embassies in England, Belgium, the Netherlands, Germany, Egypt, Turkey, Italy and Portugal. I will keep you posted with pictures and updates and stuff. See y’all.