26th
Praise the Lord and Pass the KY
I really don’t care about what other people do with their genitals. I can’t think of anything less interesting.
This is why I don’t read any of the glossy magazines or celebrity blogs. I don’t care if celebrity A and celebrity B are fighting like cats and dogs or screwing like weasels. For that matter, I don’t care about the Octomom, or Jon and Kate, or any of the meat grinder freak shows that pass for entertainment these days. It just does not interest me in the slightest.
But I do have one exception to my general sense of apathy towards the sex lives of others. Whenever a Republican politician gets caught with his pants down, I squeal like a fifteen year old girl. Newsweek becomes like US Weekly. CNN and MSNBC become like TMZ. And if a Republican politician happens to get caught being gay, I am worse than all the adolescent Jonas Brothers fans on earth.
Understand that it isn’t the sex that I care about. It’s the glorious, white hot hypocrisy that gets me all hot and bothered. Democratic politicians get busted having affairs all the time and I could care less about that. But that’s only because there aren’t really any Democratic politicians who have based an enormous part of their platforms on “values.”
You know, “values.” That weird, pointless word that encompasses so much, but basically means staying a virgin until you are married and then having “man on top, get it over with quick” sex with your spouse for the rest of one of your lives.
“Values” also means that man on man action is a definite no-no. Ditto pornography. There is also a lot of bible waving involved, and the use of the word “family” seems to happen a lot.
This is the trap that the Republicans have made for themselves. In order to get elected on the Republican ticket, every single one of them has to declare a deep personal relationship with Jesus Christ. (And if that isn’t a “religious test” contrary to the First Amendment, I don’t know what is.) And these politicians, who have to engage in some of the least Christ-like behavior that could possibly exist in order to simply do their jobs properly, are all of a sudden forced to pretend that compared to them, Pat Robertson aint shit.
It would seem obvious that if you ask a politician about religion you are simply begging to be lied to, but the Christians keep falling for it time and time again. And time and time again, a Republican Governor or Senator or Congressman gets caught engaging in anonymous gay truck stop style action (Larry Craig,) or trying to rub up against Congressional pages (Mark Foley,) or tagging the wife of a campaign manager (John Ensign,) or banging another woman while his wife is in the cancer ward (Newt Gingrich,) or ditching his security detail and flying down to Argentina to get a little side action (Mark Sanford,) and on and on and on.
Again, I want to reiterate, it ISN’T THE SEX. The sex part of it is just plain boring. It’s the hypocrisy. Democrats engage in the same sort of stuff, but none of them are “Promise Keepers.” None of them are trying to outlaw birth control. None of them are claiming to have Jesus on speed dial. None of them are getting legislation going that keeps gays as second class citizens.
There is just something that is so wonderful about a self professed paragon of virtue suffering that Wile E. Coyote style fall off of that impossibly high horse that I can’t resist it. I’m a gossip maven all of a sudden. I’m DeGrassi Junior High.
I can’t wait for the next one. And you know there’s gonna be a next one. I can’t wait.
