22nd
The Book of Republican (also, The Book of C Street, SE)
Attend thee, brethren, and hear the tale of the many blessed miracles of Jesus of Nazareth, Son of Almighty God.
Jesus Heals the Sick
It happened, while he was in one of the cities, behold, there was a man full of leprosy. “To where do you travel?” asketh the Lord. “I travel to the Roman Healer, who will cleanse my sickness for five sheckels.”
“Dost thou wish to be put on a waiting list?” replied Jesus. “Dost thou wish a man in Rome to tell thee what treatment thou shall receive and what treatment thou shall not receive?”
“No, my Lord, I do not,” sayeth the leper. “Lord, if you wish it, thou can relieve my suffering.”
The Lord stretched out his hand, and touched him, saying, “Be made clean.” Immediately the leprosy left him.
“Please provide me with your insurance information,” sayeth the Lord, “and be thankful that it was I who healed you and not some Godless Roman Blasphemer.”
Thus did Jesus heal the leper, and he made his way down the path towards Jerusalem, but then did return to the leper three days later, where he sayeth “Your insurance provider claims that they know you not. Hast thou another method of payment?”
“I have none, my Lord,” replied the leper.
“Then thou must see the money lenders in the temple, who offer loans at rates of interest that are quite reasonable.” Thus did Jesus accompany the leper to the temple, where he received full payment, whereas the leper did fall into penal servitude.
Jesus Feeds the Multitudes
The apostles, when they had returned, told him what things they had done.
He took them, and withdrew apart to a deserted place of a city called Bethsaida.
But the multitudes, perceiving it, followed him. He welcomed them, and spoke to them of the Kingdom of God, and he cured those who needed healing, taking their clothing, sheep, and daughters as payment.
The day began to wear away; and the twelve came, and said to him, “Send the multitude away, that they may go into the surrounding villages and farms, and lodge, and get food, for we are here in a deserted place.”
But he said to them, “You give them something to eat.” They said, “We have no more than five loaves and two fish, unless we should go and buy food for all these people.” For they were about five thousand men.
He said to his disciples, “Make them sit down in groups of about fifty each.”
They did so, and made them all sit down.
He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to the sky, he blessed them,
and broke them, and gave them to the disciples to set before the multitude.
Then before the multitudes began to eat, then did Jesus say “Not so fast! Dost thou expect something for nothing? For it is I that hath put in all the labor and sweat equity, for it is I who hath marketed my services most efficiently, for it is I that am running a business. If I feed you for nothing, where doth that end? Shall the lord provide handouts for all of eternity? No doubt there shall be those who take more loaves and fishes then they should, and they shall sell the surplus and use that money to buy the finest chariots and palaces. No doubt there are those who shall have babies simply to increase the amount of loaves and fishes that they shall receive every month. Thou shall PAY a reasonable price for the loaves and fishes, and this price shall be determined by the Almighty Market, who doth rule in Heaven above us, and thou shall add a standard percentage to compensate me for my labors.”
Thus did the Lord take all the sheckels and riches that were left in the crowd, sending those with no money away to the money lenders at the temple, who were eventually sold into slavery. “Serves them right,” said the Lord, “for they are all lazy welfare queens and parasites who have no jobs.”
Jesus and the Village Elders
Thus did Jesus come to a village, whereupon he did meet two Village elders counting a stack of coins.
“Hail, Jesus, O son of Almighty God,” the elders did greet him. “We have indeed been blessed and prosperous in our crops and endeavors this year.”
“To what purpose shall you put the money?” asketh the lord.
“We are of a mind to take the bounty and put it towards the education of our poorest, who can neither read nor write,” replied the elders.
“Nonsense,” replied the Lord. “Thou shalt take the majority of that money and thou shalt invest in the Almighty Market, where thou shalt DOUBLE your money, for the Market doth reward those who are righteous. The rest you shall spend on diamonds and rubies to fasten to the points of your spears, thus making them shiny and terrifying to those who would trespass against you.”
“But what of our poorest, my lord?” asked the elders.
“They shall have to use their sandal straps to pull themselves up,” sayeth the Lord. “For I had no exceptional advantages. All that I have, I created myself.”
“But thou art the Son of God,” replied the elders, blinking in disbelief.
“That doesn’t mean ANYTHING,” said the Lord, somewhat testily. “For I have gained my position through gumption and sweat equity, and I started out as a mere carpenter. Don’t try to tell the LORD what hard work is about.”
Thus did the elders lose all their money in grain speculation,for in doubting the word of Jesus Christ they had offended the Almighty Market in Heaven Above. But they DID have the shiniest spears in all of Jerusalem.
Jesus and the Adulteress
Thus one morning a woman who had lain with another man was brought before Jesus. The crowd had gathered rocks of various sizes and had thus swept up a corner where there was a brick wall.
Sayeth the Lord, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!”
“I have NO sin, my Lord!” claimed a man who made weekly visits to the dwelling of a woman not his wife.
“Yea, for there are none cleaner than me,” said another man, who did entertain thoughts of laying with one or two of the Lord’s disciples.
“I am entirely without sin, dear Lord!” said the owner of the largest flock of sheep, who did daily shovel the leavings of his flock into the river where did the poor go to drink.
“Such holiness is pleasing to my ears,” said the Lord, and then did he pick up a large and pointed rock. “Let us get started, shall we?”
Jesus and the Tax Collector
Thus did one day the revenue agent of the Emperor come to see Jesus, to claim a portion of the riches that Jesus did accumulate selling loaves and fishes and healing the sick.
“I shall render under God that which is God’s and I shall render nothing unto Caesar,” sayeth the Lord.
“But Jesus,” sayeth the revenue agent, “thou dost travel on roads that we built to sell fish and loaves. Thou dost keep from getting your riches stolen by thieves due to our centurions and legionnaires. Thou dost make use of every advantage that our civilization hath provided for you. Dost thou truly believe that there is no obligation to help pay for such things?”
“TYRANNY!” cried the Lord. “BLASPHEMY AND TYRANNY! For this is not YOUR money, this is MY MONEY! MINE! MINE! ALLLLLLL MINE!”
“Jesus, thou art being foolish,” sayeth the revenue agent. “We do not wish to take ALL of your money, but only a tiny percentage. Thou wouldst be able to fit the amount of money that we will take through the eye of a needle.”
“NO! NO! NONONONONONONONONO!” cried the Lord, “IF THOU TOUCHETH MY MONEY THOU SHALL BURN IN HELL! NONONONONONONONONO!”
Thus did the revenue agent depart empty handed with the promise to return with Centurions, and when he left thus did Jesus gather up all his sheckles and gold and silver, all of his cloaks and frankincense and myrrh, and place them in a big pile in his quarters. Then did the Lord strip naked and roll around in the vast pile, yelling “WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!”
Thus satiated, Jesus then gathered up his riches and then did he take them to a bank in Galilee, of which the Romans knew not, and there did Jesus receive not a name, but a number.
Upon his return, Jesus found armed Centurions in wait, and then did they take him before Pontius Pilate, who inquired as to where the money was, to which the Lord did then shove his hands in his pockets and look at the ceiling. Then sayeth the Lord, “Doo de doo de doo….”
“Thou art a greed soaked yahoo,” proclaimed Pontius Pilate, “and thou shall be crucified.”
Thus did Pontius Pilate order Jesus to be paraded through town, and thus was he crucified on a hill.
Here endeth the story of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, son of God, who did die not for our sins, but so that all of human kind would not have to actually help pay for things that they did use and abuse freely.
Forever and ever, Amen.
