28th
Governor Footloose
About five years ago, I tried to get into law school. I failed.
I don’t think I failed miserably. I got a score on the LSAT’s that was at the very top of the very middle. I got Dean’s List grades every semester except for one during college. I even spent six months helping out an accountant who volunteered his free time tracking down session musicians who were getting screwed out of their royalties. (Let me tell you, when you get in touch with a seventy year old second chair saxophone player who is owed a cumulative $1500 for all the times that Tootsie played on cable TV, it is a glorious feeling.)
But despite all that, I got negged at every single law school to which I applied. I was bummed out for a little while, but then I realized that damn near all the lawyers I know would rather be the target in a testicle stomping contest than actually be lawyers. Hell, I know a girl who literally ran all the way to Zimbabwe rather than spend another day arguing over commas and dicking around with billable hours. So I got over it.
About three weeks after I got over it, I started getting stuff in the mail. I got postcards, pamphlets, and on a few occasions, big thick envelopes stuffed with promotional materials. All from rinky dink law schools that I (and probably most Bar Associations) had never heard of.
Quite a few of these joints practically guaranteed me admission. And honestly, these places were so obscure that I can’t even remember the names of any of them, except for one. That would be Regent University Law School. It’s in Virginia Beach. It was started by a guy who believes that fossils are misleading tricks that were placed here by Satan. And it’s where Bob McDonnell, the guy who will probably be the next governor of Virginia, got his law degree. And actually, it wasn’t even called “Regent University” when Bob went there. It was called “Christian Broadcasting Network University.” Man. I bet all the sharp young budding lawyers were just beating the door down to get into that joint. Nothing sways a judge faster than citing the Book of Job as legal precedent.
Does it make me a poor agnostic if the idea of Bob McDonnell running my state makes me want to kick the wall and yell “JESUS CHRIST” at the top of my lungs?
I was having a conversation with a very dear friend of mine, and she said that she thought I was funny, but she also thought that maybe I should temper my speech when it comes to what I write and say about religion. These are people’s beliefs, she said, and they should be respected.
I love this friend of mine very much, but she could not be more wrong. Some beliefs should be mocked, ridiculed, and exposed as nonsense and charlatanism whenever possible. That goes double when those beliefs involve rocketing us back to some non-existent era where people were “traditional,” and that goes triple when holders of those beliefs get too close to the levers of government.
I don’t want Bob McDonnell as governor. I REALLY don’t want Bob McDonnell as governor. I don’t want anyone who turned to Pat Effing Robertson for his legal education in charge of how Virginia spends its money on schools, roads or public facilities.
I don’t want a guy who got his JD in the first place by writing a thesis stating that gays, lesbians and “fornicators” (seriously, he actually said “fornicators”) were a burden to society and should be taxed at a higher rate. And he wrote this when he was 33. Got that? He wasn’t some starry eyed zealot in his early twenties.
But it looks like he’s going to be running the show in Richmond come January. I guess all those folks who turned out for Obama just don’t find the Governor’s race to be all that sexy. You can also consider that Creigh Deeds is not the greatest candidate in the world. Good guy. Decent legislator. Solidly in the middle, just like Warner and Kaine. But he has all the charisma of a lukewarm bowl of oatmeal.
But I would rather have a lukewarm bowl of oatmeal than John Lithgow’s character in “Footloose” running the show. And despite McDonnell trying to hide it, his legislation over the years has been a pretty solid reflection of his beliefs that I’m not at all supposed to ridicule.
So I predict the following: Under McDonnell, the roads will not get fixed because he won’t be able to or just plain won’t want to raise the money to pay for them. That would involve some manner of tax, you see, and why should all those patriotic, God Fearing Real Americans down south have to pony up for those liberal fancy pants up north? NoVa is only the economic engine of the state, after all.
Sex education in schools will probably come under fire, probably snuck into unrelated legislation by some snake handling dimbulb delegate from Cumberland Gap. There will probably be all manner of challenges put into place to simply walk into the door of an abortion clinic.
It also wouldn’t surprise me if somebody made a stab at putting disclaimer stickers on the covers of biology textbooks. Maybe a Lynchburg delegate will notice that he has a comrade-in-batshittery in the Governor’s Mansion and will give it a shot. (And if that happens, I will wage a one man campaign to have disclaimer stickers put on Bibles. I’ll put them on myself if I have to.)
McDonnell will try and probably fail to privatize the liquor business in Virginia. His argument will be that it will “raise revenue,” but I don’t see how. The state can sell all the liquor store licenses it wants, but considering what a liquor store usually brings with it, I can’t imagine local zoning boards would be too psyched about the idea of putting them in their neighborhoods.
Ugh. It’s depressing to think about.
So on Tuesday, I will stagger over to the polling place and cast my vote in a losing effort, but what the hell else am I supposed to do? I can’t not vote. I guess at this point it’s all about making a statement. Digging in your heels, then grabbing onto something and holding on for dear life to keep from being dragged backwards by these Bronze Age ding dongs.
Please do the same. If Deeds just barely loses instead of getting swamped it might be that much tougher for some of McDonnell’s more insane inclinations to get through.
